Thursday, September 29, 2005

6.09pm

played cs and dota


think i improved in cs.








something is wrong
i can see
i can sense

i cant confirm it.

copyrighted.

ew.

EW.

wadeva it is.

LOL

wanna know more about me.
msn me =]

got A for CP

so my dream grades:

CP: A
CT: A
DF: B+
Drawing: B+
UM: B+
CS: C

definitely hope for a B at least for CS.
dun wan the grades to look ugly with it.



Wednesday, September 28, 2005

played pool
played lan.

um..

quite enjoyed it.


yea.



Tuesday, September 27, 2005

not as if my mounting is gd in the 1st place
crap i'm irritated.

for the small pieces all ok

and i had to screw it up at the final piece.
forget it.

man i need self control...
it's coming up again =.=

lac...


i remember a quote from a drama..
wad was it..
hmmm

"Only when you perservere at difficult times, you will strive and succeed. Difficult times are whenever you feel like giving up."

http://colorgenics.com/sps/results.cfm?d=1&colors=35716204&name=&email

maybe it's psychological effect.
but it is like particularly true to me at this point of time
no?

maybe..

i feel weird.

maybe i'm just tired la... =.=

i thought to myself again suddenly.

i need to roam further in my thoughts a little more.

why?
cos i am still like dreaming.
i need to realise.
to realise.

so i won't do things that harm myself and others.

i think
i am conditioned in a way that i am warned not to give people trouble.
maybe last time i used to think that my existence alone is perhaps trouble to people.
cos i see people mocking at me and giving me weird looks for my size.

like in the crowd, during sports day, in the lift
that feeling is choking.

it still does exist at times.
but i learn to take it more easily.

but i still do ask myself if i am giving people trouble.


wad is trouble?
trouble can be in so many form.
i dunno wad kind of trouble i will give.


thus i think
but i do get paranoid.


and now i wonder
wad kind of trouble do i give myself now?
i dunno.

hmmm...


i just need to be more clear minded.


it's just like
the higher you climb...
the harder you fall...

ouch?



Friday, September 23, 2005

i'm literally nosebleeding =.=

maybe too heaty lately.

hahaha..

it's hard..
but i enjoy it!!! =x

weird sense of drive =x


hmmm..
just some side thoughts.
i do wonder.
who?
anyone?
in the 1st place.

hmmm....

well it's not important i guess
might boost myself as a person
but i know i am one significant self to myself alone, and of course my family.

hehe...

it's hard.. but i enjoy it! =p



Thursday, September 22, 2005

ew these coughings...

indeed much more refreshing after 1 hour's nap.

my 1st attempt to seek for it
um.... ok fail, should i still try? =.=

or maybe just over and over again?

argh....

i do wonder, so wad?
no?

but it's like a reflection to my life

uh...

hmmmmmmmmmmmm...



nvm i'll do my best =D



Wednesday, September 21, 2005

i am like much happier now compared to yest

maybe 100fold? o.O

haha..

ok..
it hit me right thru
open the door a little and showed me wad to expect
wad to expect wad to expect from all this

is it really that important to open it?

i'm just a very simple person.

maybe it is not important, it is just necessary?

is it even necessary?

i dunno


yea



forget about all that for now and just keep in mind that the sky is of unlimited blue
if i am free of fogs and mist in myself.

yes.
for now i suppose i'll be =]



Saturday, September 17, 2005

i stared at it

i went blank
why?

was watching tv
heard a line'

"It's good to cheer on others. But spare a for yourself."

._.

i know in actual fact it's nothing significant
but it really pricked me hard
pain


i'm going on circles on my part.

cant i just like..
cut it away in the first place?

no..
i dunno..
dunno how..
.........................

i'm not doing much for myself in real life
but i'm really taxing myself inside already

excel a little more for studio project
improve a little more on all aspects
think less

shouldnt i be doing that?
maybe..



Wednesday, September 14, 2005

for the 1st time
i look at the dead flesh

i sorta opened it up
initial it still stick to the new flesh
buti manage to pull it out a little more

now i can fully open it
like a lid
i'm very tempted to pull it off

but i guess i'll try my best to keep it for the time being as a protective layer for the new flesh
it's hard to believe that the new flesh was the place that bleed so intensively.

very red tho the new flesh
cool eh.. =x




ummm
maybe i'm falling deeper

maybe not...
well..



Tuesday, September 13, 2005

i feel like
whole day
i am trying to humour myself.

very very very very void feeling now

it has reached the bottleneck.

ok.

hmmmm

should be going off soon
this feeling...



Monday, September 12, 2005

why did i catch a glimpse of that wasteland again?

disgusting

totally.


my fists have the urge.

my brains have the control

well my brain would have agree with my fists on how disgusting it is.

not really disgusting
shallow
and...
filthy

i pity it


really.

i know i sound bad.


disgusted to the maxed
i'm being filled up


why such a waste piece of land exist?

why?


yet there's nothing i can do.



really hate it to the max


fucked up.

begone..

this piece of..

.......................................
if i have a vacuum cleaner i'd have suck it all up and dissolve it in acid.

shit.

nvm..

just be a wasteland man..
stop damaging the world around u.
waste gases cloud people's mind.
waste toxin hurts people heart.

BEGONE U PIECE OF SHIT

i wonder

is time a factor?


seemingly not

yet.
as time goes by
will u wonder if time had placed its role in all these?

long and short
short and long

how short a time can cause a big change
how long a time and find a gradual change

will my stand hold?
will my view change?



the above words flew thru my mind
spun over
and over again.

of course. it sounded cold in me.

apparently that wasnt all to it...

i didnt struggle.
it's clear cut.


i just know at this very moment i feel like this
i think like this...
it's been sometime since like this..
but...


well i dunno
wad i know is, i can guarantee the very moment i have but not the future.

future is unknown.
we get a glimpse of it vaguely if we are hardworking enough.
or perhaps to the next extreme end.
but we cant guarantee..


of course
i am shaken many many many times.
so?
i also dunno...

maybe sometimes it's good to hold on to one faith...
i believe i will last...
at perhaps till then.

the urge is strong.
yet the will is soft

soft is not weak.
it heals the urge.

perhaps at this moment... 1.10am
i felt strong... deeply...
._.


i'm sorry.



Sunday, September 11, 2005

it's ok it's ok...

it truly just enuff...
maybe i hoped more
but yes =]

well maybe
time

maybe

but just in a small small way
i'm being hit
hmm
but well it's always like this isnt it
it's much better now...

i'm really very glad.. =.=


._.

in our lives..

there are many things we seek yet can never get
it is sometimes depressing
but ever wonder if you have ever gained from the process?
or rather
have your direction changed? good or bad.

isnt it more important?
yes i suppose for me
yes

in this world
the definitition of 'a lot' and 'little' is simple relative
just be contented.

=]



Friday, September 09, 2005

gonna slp earlier today.... ._.

my ideal grades for this sem will be..

CT - A
DF - A
Drawing - B+
CP - B+
UM - B+
CS- B

cs is not as impt but it'll look ugly with anything less than B there...
let's hope my DF go well...
this finger is a blessing in disguise... =x




ummmmm
as usual i ._. at drea's blog -glances around-

actually i do wanna still say something about it but yea u doing DF and u are really tired for all these nonsense.
and i supposed my words dun make u feel better too

pardon me for 'replying' ur thoughts even after reading ur disclaimer anyway...


maybe i'll say...
u have to live for urself more? afterall u might be able to cope better?

i do have more things to say but i kinda feel pretty dangerous =x

ahahahaha i guess i'm not significant... i DO hope u feel better cause there's one more person u know in the world who care for u -points frantically at self-, and barely tried to express it (attempting not to be shallow but well...)

let's try to convert these negative energies into kinetic energy and work hard for studio proj!!!! =x

pardon me for replying and attempting to say anything m(_ _)m
._.
[chant]youwillfeelbetteryouwillbehappieryouwillbemorecheerfulyouwillbe
youwillbeyouwillbeeeeeee[/chant]

._.



Thursday, September 08, 2005

ok tired now.
almost 3 am

um...
bandaged my finger
cost me 33 bucks. gotten some medicine.

i listened to music diary
i heard faint voice of ling zhi, my fav dj and the music diary tune

as usual since long ago
music diary heals my heart..

i still dunno how to go about looking at this

i'm...
i dunno...



Wednesday, September 07, 2005

190th post. cool.

the smell of blood was menacing.

it gush up my nose as i was clearing the basin.

i finally understood
the meaning of the previous cut.

i can be hurt once lightly.. and if i dun take caution...
i'll get a much deeper cut

......................................................



Tuesday, September 06, 2005

getting more and more meaningless each day.

i'm feeling very very tired.

got back cp today.
i feel pretty disturbed by it.

but well i do remember
the effort put in is not equilvalent to the quality produced, so true in many cases.
then again, i know if i did my best, i will be able to gladly accept it.

now left DF
it's actually getting on me
maybe i set my expectations too high.

i
dun want anything short of an A.
in this case it looks faraway from me

this is the test for me now.
i'll log off at 9 30 to do
maybe earlier.

i dun
see the point to come online and drain myself away.

this is the final lap for this semester.
it's time to get really serious.

maybe i can enjoy in this work
and make me forget those stupid stuff that's spinning in me.
haha...

i must learn to open my heart to more things around me.
i'll be able to take it better then.

just to put here as a reminder
i shall check up more on mucha and minimalism
very interested in minimalism.

didnt expect this entry to be this positive haha

why does it hurt me so......?
maybe my love will come back someday...
only heaven knows...

i thought this blog could sound a little better

...

............................


very loud echoes.


i hate it sometimes
i hate this feeling

it just simply went down.
so dense.

.............................................

sorry



Monday, September 05, 2005

slpt till 8pm.

weird.

weird.

there was no more toblerone today.
i took kit kat caramel instead.

......

too sweet
doesnt taste as good.



i tried.

use it on me
please

no..?

......

i can foresee...

i took of the specs and reviewed the future.

why not?

i'm very sick and tired of myself like this

no one's causing it.

i'm on my own.

zzzz

why am i staying up till so late?
3.28am

i have no idea

i do not feel tired.

maybe
it's the little little pricky pain that's doing the work.

glad that it's my right hand that's hurted.

if it's my left hand
i'll feel like hell.

i'm thinking way too much..
is this another significance?

'if it's my left hand
i'll feel like hell.'

i'm actually quite impressed with how i can exaggerate one small incident to this whole chunk of thoughts and wadsoeva.
are you?
haha

I'm a piece of artwork.
For I created myself
After I had been created.
Do I look like what I'm intended to be?
Or do you think you have truly perceived the real me?
Time is all around us yet we don't see it.
Each and every second is like strokes that add more life to me.
Or am I ending soon?



Sunday, September 04, 2005

i took a closer look
actually it didnt stop bleeding...

it's slowly slowly bleeding
if i ever touch or try to remove the little bit of blood left.

the pain is not extreme
it is not fast and direct

the pain slowly comes and linger


um though i find that show abit crappy
but a quote from ma xiaoling made me think
"don't all friends start as strangers?"

today
i felt the silent cries.

like last time.
it wasnt of any significance
just like now.

um i can picture it
like...
taking a blunt ballpoint pen
u put a line across on ur arm
very very hard line
till it becomes reddish and hot at the start
u see the streak of blue ink line too

followed by the blood.

it reminds me of the times when i like to poke myself with ballpoint pen until i bleed in primary sch

sometimes it's just so hard to say something until u must find a way to feel better
uh...

haven i learn from the past?
cmon......


um.. maybe i should tone down on such entries.
i should draw more instead.. hmmm

i was awoken in a sense

as a bled.

was cutting the mounting board for some experiment.
put my index finger too far out
the pen knife just glide across

i look at the fallen piece of flesh
look back at my finger
blood oozed out.

my 1st reaction wasnt ouch

'oh it's bleeding'
well i think i looked as if nothing happened
but placed my finger into my mouth.

sucked.
i looked at the finger again. no more blood for that second.
and then more blood came out.

i kinda repeated the process until the bleeding stopped.

the moment i know it has stopped.
yet another set of emotion came in.
ok pain should be the word. not really very pain.
not really.

it's just a minor cut i supposed
but bleeding lasted for like 5 min?

why do i write so much crap just for a miserable cut?
i dunno

every now and then i will look at the cut again
looks very nicely sliced and smooth.
i thought it was wet as it's a little shiny, yea i said it's a smooth cut.

seemingly just an accident
yet again it feels like a reminder
a weird... weird reminder...
to wad?

i dunno.
but i get the feeling that this cut is reminding me of something.

maybe it's asking me to be more cautious and mindful
maybe...

yet again
is it trying to tell me
it doesnt matter to get hurt a little once in a while?

weird... weird...


well i do give alot of thought to such trivial stuff dont i?
=x

i'm too noisy =x
well doh

um
today's pretty light hearted
though i didnt do DF YET.

nothing much to blog about.

shall push myself further to do work soon...

=x

-zips-

KONNICHIWA!

it's 5 30 am in the morning.

finally done my UM slides.

40 slides =o

hmm i pretty like how i handled the transition and content
though very simple.

actually it's still pretty raw in some aspect. i can add in much more..
but i think i am really tired now...

i'll probably not wake up till 1 or 2 in the afternoon.

actually i'm not that tired

i was fully devoting my time into the PPT after the previous entry.

well..
after i finished it...
it came back ringing again...

sometimes i wonder if it's a gd thing instead.

it's really fate. it wasnt even like this from the start.
it's such a twist...
surprisingly delightful twist?

i dunno...

again. time shall tell...

5 30 OMG...

another night of blogging madness
this is the last one.

i went to huda's blog and had a look.
saw the heritage trail pics.

i felt guilty and pretty... longing?

it's been a long time since i see them
esp yea huda.. p2 p1

reminded me of the time when we slogged in hq during the tsunami incident.

i should learn to be less personal and give more
more willing to share and give

when studio project ends... i shall try to meet up with u all man...

really sorry for neglecting... ._.

gained the insight to have a separate post from the earlier one.

why? cause that's not wad i feel.

ok sounds contradicting, i'd just say it's not in the mainstream of my feelings.

it popped out and made me pondered more.
more.
and more.

wad's there to ponder?
seemingly clear, yet vague

it's not hard to understand yet it is hard to go about.


i dun think.
it is

as i think it
yea...

ringing
and ringing
and ringing

time.


time is like a mirror
you will find your question from it
then the ans will be presented to u

sometimes.
it's just.

i'm seriously wondering the need to twist and turn so much.
life itself is already full of twist and turn.

lol

but i know it's always good to do reassessment of oneself and make critical judgement regarding urself.
this is how one can improve.


reassessing, sit back, adjusting again, this whole cycle
it makes people grow and learn.
no?

i thought i had more to blog about
but i just got stuck here.

after that previous line, the whole ringing occurs again.

yea, it's life.

remember, circle is the symbol of life.

she has finally been cleared up
for so long she has been burdened.

b4 i cleared her up
she only had 300 meg left
now she has 1.65 GIG FOR GDNESS SAKE!

but well the uploading took quite sometime
15 minutes or more i guess?

well it's worth it
i won't have any more worries to how much things i can save in it liao
whahahahaha...













um. yea it could sound suggestive
but is it wad it seems?
no.

it's just yet trying to say that every things has more than one side to consider.

if you dun learn to think, u will not get the intended message.


well i like to personify my personal items
like handphone, ipod, computer, even my pencils and erasers

they are all my friends. =]
i cant really live without them man... =x
i really cant live without her now man.


think again, is this entry supposed to say more things than it actually seem?
well.

think again really.



Saturday, September 03, 2005

it's so hard to even clench my fist.

even a weak sigh is so choking.

i had a dream.

i dreamt that i was frantically finding something

or was it someone?

it was a very very very long dream
at least for 2.5 hours if i am not wrong, don't ask me why i know.

it's really hard to find.

well.

the dream ended by me finally found someone who can help me find the person or the thing i want to. i smiled.

as i recalled
i wondered wad is it trying to tell me.

i wondered too, is the ending gd? or is it even an ending?

days past
i'm drawing more and more parallels

good or bad i dunno
but they do ring in my head pretty constantly.

why????

morning
fresh and forward looking

day
often bright and sunny

evening
often very very pretty but never long lasting

night
dark and gloomy

where do u belong to?


spinning
spinning

dun leave me any hope
if you know u are gonna go.

my com always does this to me.
that's pretty painful and draggy yea?

wadeva it is..
i enjoy this com for another time again.

whee
successful drawing
that really made my day
wheee
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

um..

pondered over.
cant really analyse it
thought over.
trying to note
rested.
dunno how to review.

hmmm...

i guess i am pretty fine with it currently
i still dunno how to resolve
but currently it's ok

i always heal/restore/renew/refresh through time

uh
my visions
came back
i kinda like this brown frame
and when u look at it from cross section view
it's actually 2 layers
brown and blue
translucent
very nice mix

getting a spare one soon
well it really sounds wierd to have a spare specs more ex than the one in use like by 220?

doh.

it just feels like my brighter emotions have come back with it

regarding split personalities.
i won't say i have it
maybe yes
maybe no

but primarily
i dun see the need to show wad i think

but i guess i do some my emotions out unknowing/uncontrollably if it's too strong

wait, isnt it same for every one?

well. -.-

ok i guess i have given enough thought.
LET'S HOPE...
this will not be my last blog from this com LOL



Thursday, September 01, 2005

i've sorted it out

if i can use my time thinking those unconstructive stuff for such a long time
i should be honing my skills instead
yes you can say i've learnt and practice wad i should for sem 1 in drawing
nothing is really that difficult

but i am not good. and if i am contented with my progress
i should really wake up
time is not to be wasted like this

i have to be more objective, like i was in the past.

pretty glad that i was practising and doodling all over the place for the past 2.5 hours.

i must slowly build up my momentum to improve and soar higher.

to a much much greater height.

=No Music, No Life, No YUI=
.PRESENTING ROLLING STAR.
=Support YUI=
[Play] - [Stop]


=Life=
18.
NYP.DMD.
BNNNN.
Loves YUI.



=Crossroad=
SGanimez Forums
Huda's blog
CK's ADVENTURE!
vanny's morning dew..~
Ambrose's Fantasy...
Fengyeefengyee
Hockcockhockcock
Todatodatodato
Andreandreandrea
LissymeeLissymee
Kartyfartyfartykarty
RitzBitzbitzritz
ZackQueZackQueZackQue
WhyAlWhyAlWhyAl
GIRLYMONDESMONDESMOND
HOUHOUHOU



=I Remember You=




=Good Bye Days=
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007